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Former Catholic Church Member
"A Longing For The Spirit "
By Emily Mockus
I was baptized into the Catholic Church when I was
a baby, and of course went to church every Sunday until I was about
5 or 6. We stopped going because my mother couldn’t handle the death
of her mother anymore and lost motivation, especially since there
were other hard things to endure for our family at the time. I think
it is either a great disadvantage or a great blessing that I stopped
going at such a young age.
When you’re 5/6 years old you don’t care for
sitting on a hard bench for an hour listening to a bored-sounding
man talk. You pay attention to everything BUT the priest. The choir
balcony, the statues (and how scary they look, except for the Virgin
Mary), the tapered ceiling, the stained-glass windows, the
possibility of drinking the holy water, the altar and the "pretty
castle". I knew there was a God, but only because Mom said so, and I
didn’t know anything about Him or His Son.
Eventually, in Elementary School, I started to
want something to believe in. Isn’t it amazing that a 9 year old
girl would suddenly want spiritual guidance by her own desire?
There was a trailer thing in the back of the school lot where kids
could go to Bible Study, and it was called "Good News." I wanted to
go and asked my mom, who of course was thrilled that I was searching
for God. However, being in there felt so fake; the prayer, the
lessons, everything. I didn’t go back after the first day. It was
not fulfilling.
I had two friends at the time who were LDS:
Elizabeth and Lauren. Elizabeth would invite me over to stay the
night at her house and take me to church on Sunday, but of course
since I hated church and how boring it was and how you had to dress
pretty, I didn’t pay attention during the whole 3 hours. It was
Lauren’s family who actually introduced me to their Gospel.
When I was in middle school, already lost, depressed, suicidal, and
struggling with my belief in God as well as my sexual identity, I
went to Lauren’s house one night (as usual) and waited for their
Family Scripture Reading time to be over so I could hang out with
Lauren. However, I felt this sudden desire to join in, and was
curious. They asked me if I wanted to read a few verses, and I said
yes.
Ever since I said "yes," my life became an
emotional roller coaster. Every time I was with the Mormons, I felt
this warm feeling, a feeling of peace and for the first time in my
life since my church-going days, I wanted to follow God and be a
good child of Him.
I’d get this great feeling that I was meant to be there but then
when I got home, back to my normal environment where I was not
supported in my desire to join, I’d fall down harder than before.
Battling suicide, depression, and sex was the norm for me. I had
very little resources at home to read into the Mormon Church except
for the Internet, which is crawling with anti-Mormon stuff.
Lauren gave me my own set of Scriptures, and I
read them behind my mom’s back. I was 17 and determined to be
baptized. I knew I was a better person with the LDS community. I
began to research other religions to try and find that same feeling
I got elsewhere, but I found no comparable church.
I research Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, general Christian churches,
Paganism, and even my own Catholic church, but with the Catholics, I
felt disturbed by how high the Church was held, how high the priest
was considered, how the Pope was regarded almost as high as God, how
the mass was so robotic and rehearsed, how you had to confess your
sins to a priest, how there were so, so many hypocrites that used
the title "Catholic" to gain higher social status, everything about
it was against my heart’s beliefs.
Buddhism was very peaceful, but it felt more like I was interested
in it only because it was exotic, new, outlandish and intriguing, it
was not for me. The Pagans were also very admirable to me (the REAL
Pagans and Wiccans, not the gothic witches who focus on the "magic"
stuff), but it also felt like it was just something I was intrigued
by, but not for me.
Finally, after many tests by Satan to drive me
away from religion and continue my constant sexual sins, I made the
decision in my heart to join the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-Day Saints. I was in college and ready to change. My parents
did not like my decision and still feel that I did it because
Lauren’s family influenced me. They still love me, but the tension
is still there.
There are tons of things that separate the LDS
Church from the "Christian" denomination, but I do not care what
people think of the Church as a whole.
I consider myself a Christian because I accept Christ as my Savior.
There are some very minor teachings in the LDS Church that I do not
accept only because they seem merely agreed upon facts to me and NOT
set-in-stone doctrine, (it is hard as a convert to accept everything
at once, after all,) but as far as the Book of Mormon being a true,
honest testament of Jesus Christ and an account of the happenings in
the Americas during his time, yes. I believe in this Church and I
feel the best I have ever felt.
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